Sodom and Gomorrah

The fundamentalist preachers are almost self-immolating with rage at the SCOTUS ruling that marriage is legal for everybody in all 50 states.  One common rant is "They have turned this country into Sodom and Gomorrah!" Well, folks, here is a picture of Sodom and Gomorrah, or as I like to call it, my wife and I with our marriage license. This is what their terrifying stories really look like: a couple of happy old ladies and a piece of paper -- a very dear and wonderful piece of paper that was won by the blood, sweat and tears of many who went before us. That little bit of metal you see in the lower corner of the picture is my wife's walker. She has Parkinson's and severe arthritis and can barely walk. We're a real threat. Watch out!

We were already married by our rabbi several years ago, but that wedding was not recognized by the state. The preachers are also yelling a lot about people disrespecting their religion, but are not at all concerned that ours was disrespected. Ho hum. The usual argle-bargle of children who didn't get their selfish way. The rest of us, the adults in the family, both straight and gay, are happy as can be for everybody.  The whole country is lit up in rainbow colors. As one of our granddaughters said, "The whole world is excited!"

I can't begin to tell you how beautiful people were to us yesterday. We didn't know what we'd walk into when we went to get the license. This is the south. Some people have very fixed ideas about what can constitute a family. To our delight and amazement, everyone involved -- from the beaming with happiness for us security people in the parking lot who helped us find the handicap-accesible way in, and even walked with us, and found us a better parking place closer to the door,  to the employees in the county clerk's office, who could not possibly have been more welcoming or helpful or genuinely happy for us -- everybody, was as kind and helpful and wonderful to us as could possibly be. I would never in my wildest dreams have expected it. This southern city knows how to be a welcoming place.

All the couples applying for a license when we were there were older and had clearly been together a long time. Some of them appeared to be very frail. Some were using walkers. If this is Sodom and Gomorrah, it's a very slow-moving version of it. I was so happy to see these couples had survived, as we had, to see this day. Another Shehekianu moment. I forgot to say that prayer yesterday when our friend Micah married us! Thank you for sustaining us and letting us live to see this day!

I don't for the life of me see how Sodom and Gomorrah connect with loving couples who have been together in a committed monogamous relationship wanting to get married. If people really wanted that kind of wild sexual licentiousness, they would certainly not be getting married! Some of the people getting marriage licenses had been together and waiting for this moment for 30 or more years. I wonder what kind of marriages those preachers must have to make that connection? Some of the stories they make up about who we are and what they think our lives are like are so outrageous, I can't even imagine anyone coming up with those ideas outside an extremely kinky porn film.   Maybe their own lives are so dull, they have to make up bizarre fantasies about the lives of others to spice things up.

Anyhow, blessed be, we're married! Now I'll shut up about it.

Marriage Equality is the Law of the Land

I started this day in tears, weeping for joy. Never did I ever imagine that in my lifetime, the law of the land would include me. 

I have written here many times about the need for marriage equality, but today, it is reality in the entire United States. 

The little girl who stood beside her best friend back in 1951 and realized, in complete horror, that she was a lesbian is no longer hiding her very being. I thought then, as another girl passed a love note to my friend, "That's stupid! You never let anyone know, and besides, she's already mine." Those thoughts, so loud and clear, scared me out of my wits -- I had been hiding this even from myself. I was so afraid -- it was against the law to be LGBT in those days and it could mean being put in a mental hospital and given shock treatments, or being jailed, besides being completely ostracized by friends and family. I simply could not be that person. I was barely 13 at the time. I had a genius IQ, but I didn't have an adult's ability to analyze this and deal with it rationally. The shame that enveloped me was crippling, but there as no one to talk to about it. I had to hide this monstrous truth, regardless of the cost. And the emotional cost was enormous.

Little by little, over the years, I came to accept myself. I began to understand how this denial had cost me so much, and one day I looked at myself in the mirror and said "I am a lesbian", and "I love you." I cried a lot, and then I came out to everyone. I was never in the closet again after that. But I had been on the closet a very long time. I was 61 years old. 

And now, at 76, I am a full citizen of this country, thanks to the SCOTUS ruling. You may have to be gay to fully feel the impact of that, but I believe compassionate people of all stripes can understand this pretty fully. The full faith and credit of the constitution has made me a whole person.

I have 12 grandchildren. Odds are strong that at least one of them is gay, though none has said so. That child will not have the barriers I faced when I realized this truth about myself. I am so happy for all the kids in this country who are just becoming aware that they are gay and are now able to stand tall in the understanding that the Constitution protects us all, speaks for us all, that we are not "less than" any more. You can fall in love, marry, and have a family just like your straight brothers and sisters, in every state in the US. Even Louisiana. Even Mississippi. Even Tennessee. 

Thank you, SCOTUS. As the president said this morning, "Today, our union has become a little more perfect." He said this was the "consequence of the countless small acts of courage of millions of people across decades who stood up, who came out, who talked to parents — parents who loved their children no matter what. Folks who were willing to endure bullying and taunts and stayed strong and came to believe in themselves and who they were, and slowly made an entire country realize that love is love."

Can I get an Amen? 

Bye Bye DOMA

What's a nice dragonfly like this doing here? I put him here because dragonflies have a special meaning to me. They represent awakening to and overcoming self-deception. This particular dragonfly was photographed by my son-in-law, John Kereny, who has a gift for capturing wonderful images with a camera. I really love this image. I am hoping we can, as a nation, overcome our destructive self-deception and recognize that being gay is not a sin, a compulsion, or some abhorrent deviation from the norm, but is simply a normal variation of human existence, like having blue eyes or red hair. 

Yesterday, the Supreme Court of the United States did something that took me by complete surprise. They overturned DOMA, the Defense of Marriage act which had narrowly defined marriage as being between one man and one woman. I really did not think they would do that. When I heard the news, I burst into tears and it was hard to stop the flow. A lot of us did. I can't begin to express the depths of my gratitude to the court for doing that. That scared little girl who knew she was too different to even tell anyone about it back in the 1940s felt a big hug from the Universe when that happened. I hope this will go a long way in helping the little girls and boys who are discovering they are different today to understand that they are exactly who they are supposed to be and that they will be loved and accepted, and that it helps them to grow up whole and healthy and strong with the possibility of living up to their full potential. Bigotry and homophobic hate have exactly the opposite effect. Lives are destroyed by it. 

This decision means a lot to same sex military spouses, who are now eligible for the same benefits their straight counterparts have been receiving. There are thousands of legal benefits straight married couples take for granted that are now also available to gay married couples. Inheritance tax relief, social security survivorship, joint filing for income taxes, no longer being taxed on spousal insurance benefits, just a host of relief for everyone.

Unfortunately, for the most part, these things only count in the 12 states (and the District of Colombia) that have legalized marriage equality. Those of us in states that have not legalized it are still stuck with second-class status. Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg called our situation "skim-milk marriage." The southern state we live in is so backward that I don't see an enlightened attitude toward marriage equality happening here in my lifetime, but I was wrong about the Supreme court overturning DOMA, so maybe I am wrong about that, too. The tide is definitely turning. 

In an ironic twist, we are legally married in our religion, Reform Judaism, but not recognized as married by the state. That's the exact opposite of what one might expect. There's something truly hopeful and comforting in that irony. 

Our Big Gay Jewish Wedding

A couple of years ago we were up on the bimah at our synagogue in honor of our tenth anniversary. Our rabbi identified us as two of her favorite people and congratulated us, then added, "and one of these days, they'll get married." or words to that effect. She announced to the entire congregation that these two old gals who persist in loving each other year in and year out should do something Jewishly official about it.  

I think we were both stunned and delighted. In a society in which religious folk often denigrate our very existence, to have one's clergy person say such a thing is a revelation. We thought about it. A lot. Finally, nearly two years later, we told her that we did, indeed, want a wedding. And so, on December 3, 2011, we are going to stand on the bimah again, this time under a chuppah, and she will marry us. We will circle each other, and make vows in Hebrew and English and exchange rings (the ones we have always worn) and she will wrap us together in our talitot while our friends watch and celebrate with us. 

We live in a state where that is not allowed civilly, and to be able marry in our religion is a wonderful paradox. Many arguments I have heard against "gay" marriage is that it would impose itself on religions that oppose itl. Well, guys, how about the idea that the state is also imposing something on our religion by denying us the right to legal marriage?  Toss that one around for a bit, if you will.

We will not have a marriage license, but we will have a marriage contract. The picture at the top of this blog is our Ketubah. The star is formed from the Hebrew words "Ani l'dodi v'dodi li" which means "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine." The contract itself appears in the top right niche of the star and also in the bottom left one, one in Hebrew and the other in English. It will be signed by the rabbi, by us and by the two friends we have asked to be our witnesses, but I think we may also ask anyone who would like to sign it to do so in the wide space provided at the bottom. Judaism considers it a mitzvah to celebrate with the bride and groom, and that extends also, in Reform Judaism, to the bride and bride as well. 

We have our wedding clothes, we have our reception (oneg) figured out and arranged for, we have our Ketubah and our rings and the glasses we will break, and the silver Kiddush cups we will drink the two toasts from during the ceremony all polished and ready. We have answered the extensive questions the rabbi asked us in preparation. We have invited our friends and family to join us. We are ready.

I don't think it will change a thing in our lives. We are committed to each other for life and have been since day one. We know each other well and have already worked out most of the kinks and conflicts. We even have a reset button we invoke when things start careening out of whack. We have navigated with each other through stormy waters and calms, in sickness and in health. We are aging well together and accepting of each others' foibles and follies.  What our wedding does is make a statement to our community that we are in this for the long haul and we are in this as a Jewish household, we with them, and they with us, as part of the tribe. It means exactly the same thing to us as it would to a heterosexual couple. That's just the point. 

It's not a gay marriage, it's just plain marriage. Same old institution, just a little broader and more welcoming. Mazel tov!

Image credit: MP Artworks Ketubah Studio

I am voting on your rights

I read where Pastor Rick Warren, personable preacher of the mega Saddleback church in California, and who spoke at President Obama's innauguration, is not going to say anything in opposition to Uganda making it a crime punishable by death to be born gay.

A true Christian, in the least true sense of the word.  Not at all a Christian, I mean, or a man of any moral backbone.  Because if they would make it a death penalty offense to have blue eyes, he would probably be very upset.  He himself or one of his family might have blue eyes.  Or if it were a death-penalty offense to be born left-handed...it could happen to anyone, to any family.  But to  be born gay?   No, that would be just criminal.  Those gays.  They are just the same as people who sleep with corpses, they say, or with dogs.  Or their inlaws. 

Just let the innate difference involve one's sexuality and all bets are off. 

I have followed the news lately about the voting on rescinding people's marriage rights -- not granting them new ones, taking away those that were already granted.  It makes the people who do it feel very moral.  They have saved the family.  Preserved the family, one woman said, and I'm assuming she means she has safely stored one away in a Mason jar with the lid on and and plenty of vinegar.   What families are these people talking about?

Mine is not included in that pickling bath, because she has just voted away my rights to have one at all.  So how, exactly, is she saving it?  What exactly is she saving?

Lady, if you can vote away my rights to have a legal, committed partnership with the person I love, to build a future together, to build a family, to share a roof and pay taxes together and get a say in how she is treated when she is ill, or what happens to me when I die, then I can do the same for you.  Fair enough?  I say if you have been divorced, you can't marry again.  Your second marriage is null and void.  And your third and fourth, as well.  I can do that to you if you do this to me.  This will mean one of my own children will not have been legally married to either of the mothers of his children due to a previous ill-thought-out engagement. Well, too bad for them.  And all those joint tax returns?  Look out, honey, the IRS is gunning for you. 

"How does it feeeeel," sang Bob Dylan so long ago.... "How does it feeeeel, to be on your own, no direction home, just like a rolling stone..." 

And you -- the couple over there with no offspring?  So sorry,  but you're no longer married.  I don't care if it's a physical problem or you're saving the planet or you both carry the Tay Sachs gene -- you're single again.  Marriage, according to some who claim authority on the subject, is only for people who procreate.  So you're out.  And by the way, you'll have to stay celibate now.  None of that out of wedlock hanky-panky allowed.  It's only for the marrieds. 

What?  It's not legal for unrelated adults to share a house in your town or village?  Oh, so sorry.  Life is just like that sometimes. 

I voted on your rights and now you don't have any.

How does it feel? 

Shall I tell you? 

photo credit: Flickr